The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
