don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
