this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
