so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
