No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
