you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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