Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
