Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
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