omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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