I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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