i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
