I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
