Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
