Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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