im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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