I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud š³
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote āColleenās Dickāwith a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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