whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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