Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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