Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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