lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
