I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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