Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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