Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
