Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
