You made me cry and you don't even care
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
