he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
