Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
