a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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