Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
