I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
