Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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