I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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