Will you blow on my dice?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We need to rekindle our bromance
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
