All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Ladies don't puke and tell
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
