to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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