I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
