hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
