my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
