My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
