So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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