I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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