Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
