I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
