we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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