Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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