ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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