My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
