I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
