What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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