I'm lost and stupid without you.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
