the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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