my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
